i am full of ..sh..excuses

I started this online program……. “6 weeks to a more balanced you”. I feel like I have been spinning out of control a bit. Wavering and waffling. So I want to find some inner balance and inner peace. So far what I have found is I am full of crap excuses and it is only day 2.I haven’t really done much, other than think of reasons why I can’t do the tasks. Yesterday, I was supposed to find a space to create my sanctuary, and spend 10 minutes just being there.

I spent an hour thinking up all the reasons why I can’t have a sanctuary. My kids, husband, work, no time. If I leave my house will get messy and then I have to clean it up. Blah, blah, blah. Then I spent (wasted) even more time reading the message board, agreeing and disagreeing with everyone else’s barriers. Somehow, I skimmed over the solutions. If I had time to do that, I certainly could have had time to come up with a solution. I should have been able to do the assignment. I coped out and told myself that the shower is the only place.

The assignment today was to declutter. My first response……. That does not apply to me. My house is always clutter free and orderly. The structure I live in may be, but that was taking the task too literally. My clutter is within myself. All my excuses, rationalizations, justifications that is my clutter, barriers were of my own making. They were not even barriers but excuses. Reasons why I couldn’t get out of my but phase and do the task. Worse, I was blaming everyone and everything else in my life.

My husband, kids, work etc. are not stopping me; those are not the things getting in my way. Sure, I may stumble over them, or have to go around those things to get to where I am going. But the only real barrier is me.

There is no space in my life that is ideal as a sanctuary as is. Outside is not an option because the weather here is not always hospitable. Any place too far from home and I will use the commute time as an excuse not to go. I know myself.

So home it is. Physical movement is something I need to be able to sit for any period of time. I find knitting very relaxing, repetitive motion is important for me to be able to relax. Sitting still doing nothing makes me twitchy. Repetitive motion is like white noise is for others.

So with all of that in mind. I have cleared away my excuses, tossed out that clutter. And set my sanctuary on the seat of my stationary bike. The repetitive peddling lets my mind float away.Best of all, I am combining exercise with relaxation. It puts both things at the top of my to do list and less likely to be shoved aside because of time issues. I even managed to do all of this self realization and decluttering while peddling away.

I know I have a way to go yet, but I think I am on my way. At least I have taken ownership of my problem so I can deal with it. Just don’t ask me to smile in the mirror at it just yet.

men as pills

So I have made this commitment to myself and improving my overall health and well being. And yet for some reason I am still feeling the lure and appeal of those damn quick fix pills. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know pills, potions and powders are not the way to go. Intellectually I know this. I think maybe those potions and powders are like the men of my past. I knew they were worthless crap, in my head. And yet the dreamer, the hopeful part of me wanted to believe that maybe just maybe this time………….. I got a real gem, not another pile of …..

Some are worse than others. There are the pills and potions that have only cost me money. But no other side effects. Then there are the others. The ones that have made my physically ill, given me panic attacks, made me feel like I was losing my mind. The one that made me feel like I was going crazy……. It is marketed as improving your mental health and mood. Kind of like the man that swore he cherished women and would never hit me…………. God, I am a sucker.

You would think at my age, and with all the experience I have had with the dregs of life, I would have some kind of clue. But I don’t. I still fall for it. I still buy into the fantasy. I cannot possibly be the only one. If it were, the diet industry wouldn’t be as huge as it is.

So instead of men being assholes. I say they are all diet pills. Enticing packaging, good marketing. All aimed at a market of women who are still blindly hopeful/desperate. But a big let down once you get it out of the bottle. And could even destroy you. There are men out there like good multi vitamins, but they are hard to find. You have to look past all the hype and fast talk.

I will be trying to keep all diet pills out of my life and stick with my multi vitamin. And busting my ass to make the most of it. Because relationships like fitness, require a lot of work, and daily attention. Truth is even with all the work it is worth it, just look over the occasional pulled muscle.